How to Spit-Roast a Lamb Using Household Items

• Step 1. Buy a leg of lamb in the city. Put it in your backpack. Run to catch the bus while grotesque animal limb bounces up and down behind you because it's twice as tall as your backpack. Ignore curious looks. Ignore looks in the terminal. Ignore looks in the bus. Ignore looks at the bus stop at home. Bring leg home. Ignore dogs.

• Step 2. Dig a hole for a firepit in your yard. Move the grass off in one piece so you can replace it later and tell your landlords you have no idea why a perfectly rectangular section of their yard is dead. 

• Step 3. Build a fire pit after your town's fire warden tells you that it's too dry to safely light a bonfire, but if you're going to cook food on it, then it's okay. Lamb makes everything safer.

• Step 4. Stick a couple of sharpened dowels through the meat. Ignore dogs. 

• Step 5.  Start doubting yourself. Introduce structural supports. Use household items like twine and the base of a tiki torch. Bonus points if all your structural supports are flammable.

• Step 6. Cooking time! Bring the meat to the fire. Ignore dogs.

• Step 7.  Put the spit on vertical sticks (16" off the fire). Start turning the meat. And don't stop for 4 hours. You had nothing else planned for today, right?

• Step 8. Introduce increasingly desperate reinforcements (e.g. nails, a clamp, a metal broomstick, more twine).

• Step 9. Get cocky and decide to clear some dead brush while lamb cooks. Throw pine branches on the fire, getting the fire so hot that you set ablaze the twine with which you wrapped the lamb, and watch helplessly as the meat falls into the raging flames. Rescue the meat and admire the "fire-kissed crust." Pretend this was all part of the plan.

• Step 10. Bring the lamb to the table. Ignore dogs. FEAST!